Monday, 29 September 2014

A letter from the Queen to the Prime Minister

My dear Prime Minister,

I was most disturbed to read on the BBC that you have said that I “purred with delight” over the result of the recent referendum on Scottish Independence.  I am disturbed on several counts:

Firstly, Mr Cameron, I do not purr.  I am a Queen, not a cat.  Your lack of personal respect for me is astonishing. 

Secondly, I have, throughout my sixty-two years on the throne, studiously avoided getting involved in politics.  Grubby party insults might be your bread and butter, but as the one in whose name governments of all colours govern, I will not get involved in political issues.  You purported to trust me for that very reason.  Whatever I think of various governments (and believe me, I think plenty), I will not be drawn on political issues.  Your attempt to draw me in is as cheap as your aftershave.

Thirdly, and this, perhaps, disturbs me the most, you have shown no respect at all for the confidentiality of our weekly meetings.  Ever since my first audience with Winston Churchill (he knew how to respect his Head of State), and with subsequent Prime Ministers, I have valued these weekly meetings as an opportunity to hold you to account for the governing of my people, to defend them, to advise, to warn, to question, to listen, and even to comfort.  You are surrounded by yes-men who want your job, and will stab you in your back.  You might value getting impartial advice and a sympathetic ear from one who is disinterested.  Our very constitutional arrangement depends on this, and, for all your talk of defending the United Kingdom, your rash words threaten to unravel its very being.
 Lastly, you showed complete indiscretion.  You should not have said such things in the first place.  As one who constantly seeks media attention, you should have realised that microphones are never turned off.  And you said all this to an American.  An American!!!  I need say no more on this disgraceful incident.
Mr Cameron, I asked you to form a government in 2010.  I hope I will not have to ask you again.  If you wish to retain your foolish illustration, I tell you, remember that I am your Sovereign Lady, and this pussy-cat has claws.
I remain, alas, your loving Queen,


Anonymous said...

I thought a female cat was a queen

Nigel Redford said...

Only if she is pregnant or nursing :-)