Happy New Year!
The Redford household is in high spirits at the start of 2017, and we think 2016 was a pretty good year (we are not quite sure why so many people have said it was a bad year). Here is our family news for your enjoyment and admiration:
Max (16) is now taking his “A” levels at sixth form college. We are terribly proud of his achievements over the summer, when he got twelve GCSE A* grades, and was at the top of his class. We hope this will motivate you all to encourage your children to reach for the skies. He is hoping to go on to University to study Politics, Philosophy, and Economics. He took an internship for our local UKIP Member of the European Parliament. This seems mainly to have consisted of waiting on visitors at champagne receptions, and dealing with all the tweets that women, Muslims, and immigrants insist on sending the poor MEP. Following this experience, he hopes to go on an international British-American White Male Exchange Scheme where white males, discriminated against in today’s society, are sent over to the USA to assist in processing immigration applications. Max was, as you might expect, delighted by the results of the EU Referendum, and this has caused not a little conflict with Amelia.
Amelia (15) will be taking her GCSE’s in June, although she has threatened to flunk them, seeing them as outdated measurements of academic ability that has no relevance in today’s value-based society. She is very busy socially, serving as a member of Women Against Men, Movement for the Advancement of Women, and Campaign for the Abolition of Marriage. She is rather strident at times, and I had to take her to task when she told Charlotte to divorce me and burn all her underwear and jewellery. Amelia hopes, when she has taken her GCSE’s, to work in a women’s commune in Serbia, and refuses point blank to take “A” levels. She was a member of Young Labour, but has left the party, due to the right-wing policies of Jeremy Corbyn, who she decries as a Tory in Disguise.
Jasper (11) has had a great first term at the Margaret Thatcher Academy. He has made quite a few new friends, and is planning to set up a co-operative with some of them, to market mobile telephone applications (called apps, I believe). He has been doing quite a bit of work on this for Charlotte (see below). His main interests remain Latin and Greek, and he has recently been reading a lot on the study of art, and declared that he might become an artist when he gets older. I hope he will grow out of such nonsense.
Charlotte has had a very successful year, following her launch of the Essential Homemaker mobile application. This, she tells me, has freed thousands of women from the tyranny of mediocrity, and allowed them to become devoted providers and carers for their husbands and children. The application provides recipes and housework tips, and, in the new year, will include a new section on managing household budgets, which will only cost £12.99 a month. Of course, Charlotte is still far too busy to cook or do any housework here, but, when I was diagnosed with high blood pressure in January, and told to cut down my salt intake, she at last realised that my complaints about ready meals had some foundation, and so we have employed Agnieszka, a Polish cook. I tried to point out that employing an immigrant to do our cooking was somewhat out of sync with Charlotte’s strongly Brexit sympathies, but, as Charlotte pointed out, we had created a job for Agnieszka, and she was not taking a job that a British person would otherwise do - the middle classes are the proper source of work for immigrant labour. Agnieszka is a great hit with everyone, except Farage, Max’s cat, who hates her with a passion.
I have had a splendid year. The Centralised Administration Department has been merged with the Office Procurement Department, and the Office Communications Hub to form the Business Enablement Centre, and I am the head of this new super-department. I have organised things so efficiently that we have been able to lay off ten administrators, which resulted in a surprisingly large Christmas Bonus. Furthermore, we have taken on a consultant from the well-known High Street retailer, Sports Direct, who has come up with several very imaginative solutions for saving money on staff, and we plan to move many of the staff over to zero hours contracts, which will allow them more flexibility in work, and the savings made can be used to attract the brightest and best managers. Amelia says I have changed and sold out, but I think, now we have removed the European yoke, we should be taking control in this way, and making Britain great again.
Because times are a little more difficult than they used to be, we just took two family holidays this year, in Sicily, and South Africa (a very beautiful country). Charlotte and I took some mini-breaks in Rome, Provence, New York, and Las Vegas, and I took the children to Disney World again, which they had so loved before, while Charlotte took a spa holiday in Hawaii. We hope that our frugal example demonstrates our commitment and thoughtfulness to those who are not as comfortable as we are.
So Charlotte and I send you our greetings for an even better 2017, together with greetings from Max, Amelia, and Jasper, Agnieszka (the cook), Svetlava (the housekeeper), and Bert (the gardener). I must also include the pets, Farage, Max’s beloved cat, Greer and Stopes the guinea pigs (who do not belong to Amelia, as humans may not, she tells us, own animals, but they are associated with her as friends) and Caligula, Jasper’s chameleon. A happy new year to you all!