(Loud music fades, as camera pans over a cheering audience to a large stage in the middle of a sports arena, with a central marquee display with eighteen kitchen counters, and two presenters in the middle.)
(Woman turns around and shouts to the camera)
"Welcome to the Great British Bake Off Sponsored by McDougall Flour and Dr Oetker Cake Decorations, Bringing a Touch of Class to Your Baking. I'm Davina McCall."
(Audience cheers wildly)
"And I am Chelsea Essex"
(Audience cheers and wolf-whistles)
"Let's Bake Off"
(More loud music and cheers from the audience as eighteen contestants walk on stage and take their places at their work-stations. One walks on doing cartwheels. One is naked. One is a woman with a man on a lead).
"After the break, let's meet the contestants"
...35 minutes and three commercial breaks later....
"Well, Tansy-May-Jade, what are you making in the Signature I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Cake Trial?"
(Tansy-May-Jade, who has nineteen piercings, a black Mohican, and pink eyebrows, stops stirring her bowl, and flutters her eye-lashes at Judges Gordon Ramsay and Dermott O'Leary)
"I am making a F*** It Cake. It has bubblegum chips, parsnip icing, and a creamed corn filling."
Gordon Ramsay "That sounds terrible, you f******* freak. Why the **** have you come on the programme? You are a total waste of space"
Tansy-May-Jade bursts into tears. Nearby, a fight breaks about between two other contestants over the use of a Zanussi Freezer.
"Do make sure you use the Kenwood Superchef 2500 Mixer to blend your icing. It is the most powerful mixer on the market and more chefs choose it than any other brand".
Chelsea Essex "Let's take a break. Afterwards, we will find out who is Topshop Baker, and who will walk the Bird's Custard Pie Walk of Shame as Crap Baker of the Week."
.....fifteen million viewers turn over to a documentary on BBC4 about a pelican crossing in Ealing....
Man in the landscape
18 hours ago